I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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