i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
operation have a gay friend backfired
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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