smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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