i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
