Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
