I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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