I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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