i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
