he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
