all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
