Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
