im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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