Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
