I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
