My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
