dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
