If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
