Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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