The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
