My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
