I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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