oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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