So drunk its hurt
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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