Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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