Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Actions speak louder than pants.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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