I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I didn't notice because vodka
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
