This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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