I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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