If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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