what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
