Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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