First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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