I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
