Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
