You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
