the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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