Umm I'm too high to move.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize