You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
