Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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