Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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