just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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