so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
