I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
