I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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