and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
