i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
