I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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