i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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