Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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