Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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