anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Someone signed my nipple.
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