I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?Â
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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