I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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