so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
