i need an iv and a liver transplant
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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