I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
