Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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