her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
