I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
