It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i think i have two assholes
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm getting married
To pizza
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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