You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
