Sober January is a disaster.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
