when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
